From Shy and Awkward to Confident AF
Something I never thought would happen, happened. I took a video on my Instagram story: sans makeup, one take, and LOVED it. I loved the sound of my voice. I loved how I looked. I loved how dork-ily genuine I was.
In the past, it took me approximately seven takes, one gallon of makeup, and the perfect lighting of an overcast day in order to pose a thirty second (or less) IG story video.
I love myself. I fully and completely love myself.
My world has changed. These past few months I’ve been working hard on re-wiring my brain to find true self love. I’m still working on it, but the differences I’ve found in myself are unreal.
I’m confident AF now.
In junior high (and honestly every grade leading up to junior high), I was so shy and awkward that I barely talked to my classmates. Keep in mind, I had the exact same 30-40 classmates from kindergarten up. (Catholic school probz. Shout out to my St. Mels fam!) Each time I built up the courage to talk to someone, I ended up with this super awkward laugh after practically every syllable that came out of my mouth.
Next up: High School. As a brand new freshman at an all girls catholic high school in Woodland Hills, CA (oh hey Louisville), I began to break out of my shell. Having a whole new group of strangers who did not know my awkward ways helped. I began growing into myself but was still pretty deep in my shell.
Then after two years, I transferred to public school. Public school was co-ed…meaning I’d have boys in my classes again. WHAT. Like seriously, what was I doing to myself? I was in and out of my shell as Elco (the loving nickname we gave El Camino Real High School). Honestly, I don’t think half my classmates at elco would even remember me if I ran into them today. (’09-ers where you at!? JK I see half of you on TV and YouTube everyday, so proud of you all!)
Fast forward to college where I made a name for myself. I broke out of my shell. I made friends. I spoke my mind. All with the help of alcohol.
Fast forward to after college when I get hangovers from two glasses of wine. Weak.
So wait, where does this whole “I’m confident AF now” thing come in?
I’m getting there, I’m getting there. Patience, my young padawans. (Had to use a Star Wars reference somewhere). Anyways, post undergrad, life did not go as planned for the most part. My degree got me basically nothing. (Beware kinesiology students!) I was falling into a depression because of all my financial difficulties, not to mention that I gained like fifteen pounds and creating even more self-loathing thoughts because I hated my body so much.
Then something happened. I found my purpose, I did some soul searching and decided to change career paths and go right back to school.
Meditation my friends, it does wonders.
Recently, I finished my first semester of the Multiple Subjects Teaching Credential Program at Fresno State. Back in November, when I was accepted into the program, my mentality began changing for the better. In January 2017, I decided this would be the year of self love. This is when I would completely change my mindset. So I did.
To find out more details on how, see my self love article.
Now, I do love myself. I still have my days where I go into a sad spiral and binge eat on junk food, but I can easily and quickly bounce back now. I’m confident. I don’t care what anyone thinks of me, because I like me. I really do. I have no boundaries: I do what I want, I say what I want, I have no filter and I don’t care. This is not to say that I will be rude or mean because of the whole no filter and not caring thing. Definitely not. I believe there is good in everyone and everything. I’m living a very positive lifestyle and nothing can bring me down now.
Seriously, there is no more freeing feeling in the world. Rid yourself of the negative people, rid yourself of the negative aspects of your life, let go, love yourself. Mean it, truly work on loving yourself. Totally sounding like a broken record, but there is seriously no better feeling than when you love yourself.
I thought I was dying.
Flashback to the beginning of the post when I wrote about how I finally felt good about myself in videos. This isn’t the only thing that’s been positive in my life. I’m getting a teaching job, a new car, and honestly every little thing has been working out for me. Nothing has gone wrong. I felt like I was in a dream. I can’t even explain to you how light and floaty I felt. It didn’t and still hasn’t felt real.
To be honest, I was about to go to the doctor because my body just felt so light and dazed. I seriously thought I must be dying. Most confusing feeling of my life. Now I’m getting slightly more used to it and it just feels so amazing and just really indescribable.
Have you or anyone you know experienced this?? Please comment! I would love to know I’m not crazy hahah.